Barnfolk, that''s who— and they permanently forgot to evolve. Let''s talk about some things that would be present at any square dance Jig- off. First, it''s impossible to picture a group of people square dancing without there being that one guy with the obscenely long Rip Van Winkle beard. Of course, he wasn''t magically asleep for 20 years when it grew, unless you count his life-long whiskey haze and vow against critical thinking. Second, the band always does that foot-stomp knee-slap head-bob thing, telepathically conveying the message "we''re all a bunch of sinine hicks and we love it! The head-bob is the "and we love it part. " Third, well you may not see this, but square dancing is the only dance where it''s easy to picture a random farm animal suddenly standing up on two legs, Joining in, and it seems natural. Another bumpkin seduced by a Jigging goat. Bumpkins promenading across the room with goats and sheep; why not? They make- out with them regularly anyhow. I will admit I''m fairly surprised they called it "square dancing" at all considering the highest level of schooling in the room is probably a forged G.
E. D. like they know what a "square" is) ... Bunch of geometrically confused hill-folk buck-toothed and guffawing as they spin around a cow trough. Damn I hate that square dancing still exists! One thing that''s hard for me to picture is anyone hearing square dance music coming from a barn and not getting the imperative urge to run in the opposite direction. Speaking of the music, isn''t there Just that one "swing your partner" song and that''s it? Photo taken during a rendition of their song "Proud to be Illiterate. I guess it''s nard to play a variety ot tunes when your band consists ot people playing he washboard, broomstick-bass, and blowing into that Jug with the ">OCC on it. Stay tuned for my upcoming entry on Jug bands... Speaking of the musicians, apparently square dancing was so lacking in class that renamed the violin the "fiddle. " I can picture that conversation: "Hey hairy, drooling Jug band member, is that a violin you''re playing? " "A vi-o-what? Welp, I don''t rightly know, mister. An accurate description of square dancing. I Just fiddle with it, so I guess that''s what it is.... a fiddle... drool, drool, drool, slurping p drool, more drool*" I''m sure he also "fiddles" with other things like the engine of his primer-colored pick-up truck and his malformed wiener whenever his cousin is watching. I don''t mean to over generalize, but in reiterating my idea to launch all square dancers into the sun, I propose it would do the world more good than harm. This is exactly what square dancing looks like to me. I''m willing to bet that other long-standing "traditions" like racism, sexism, fear of progress, and hatred for the scientific community would prove directly correlated as they dropped exponentially.
Sad Fact 1: There''s an international association of square dance callers named Callerlab. Seriously. An international organization.... Sad Fact 2 : Did you know that square dancing has been designated the official state dance in 19 states? State dance?! Why the HELL are there even— Oh I give up! (*gun fires and body hits the floor*) End. Supplemental material: Link to Bugs Bunny in "Hillbilly Hare. " Excerpt of lyrics from "Pickle Up a Doodle," a square dance call. When that devil comes a-courtin'', Ah-haw! He''ll catch all eight, with a right hand half,
Back by the left, go once and a half. Turn the corner by the right, make a wrong-way thar, And ya'' pickle up a doodle in the middle of the star. Shoot that star, left allemande, gonna pass your partner by, You box the gnat with the next one, and you swing ''er mighty high. Walk all around that corner, turn a left hand round your girl, Four ladies chain, chain the big, wide, wicked world. Roll promenade a shady lady. Gents roll back, but only one, Promenade, you''re gonna have a little fun. It ain''t no sin to swing and sway, An'' you pickle up a doodle in the middle of the day.
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